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| Recollection of a Heavy Heart http://wohp.net/forums/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=4040 |
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| Author: | DarkRes [ Sat Nov 21, 2009 2:40 am ] |
| Post subject: | Recollection of a Heavy Heart |
With a firm grasp and a quick turn of a silver key, Felix locked himself in his new dorm alone. Blissful solace, he thought to himself, a much needed change of pace. He slung his leather pack around from the back of his broad shoulders, grasping at the top like a vice grip. Fishing around inside, after unlacing the straps, Felix withdrew a blank book. A casual toss soon found the pack on his bed, while both his hands and his hardened gaze remained placed on the book. Blank, page after page all blank, with silver bindings and a golden phoenix crest atop a jet black cover. He began to walk towards a desk in the corner of his room, a quill and jar of ink laid in wait. With an unstinting devotion, his eyes never left the book. Placing the book on the weathered desk, Felix settled himself into the oak chair situated in front. It made a faint creak of defiance and old age as he finally connected with base of the chair. As if his hands had melted from its previous stone like grip, Felix elegantly pinched the quill between his index finger and thumb of his left hand. Swift, but gentle, the tip of the quill was doused in ink. A subtle sigh managed to penetrate the silence encasing his lips. His fingertips fleeted, opening the book. Page 1: The black pits of his eyes, soulless in state gazed over the blank page. His left hand rose, bringing the quill towards the page. His darkened skin opposed the pale page; His hand promptly began to write. “I don’t even know where to start, I never was one for writing a journal but the weight I carry has become too much to bear alone. Since the last time I was able to speak to one close enough to really care has all but disappeared from my life.” A sombre sigh of remembrance is expired. “So I have resorted to this, an attempt to repent or at the very least ease my mind of my sins. However, no matter how much I pray with deep regret and eager for forgiveness, my conscious remains clouded in darkness and my heart poisoned with a feeling of lead.” A soft blink, as his scar seared up a little like fresh lit flames from the coal ashes. Felix continued to write as soon as it passed. “I’ve considered alcoholism, a useless vice, although it’d be nice to throw my life away, I shouldn’t. Now to top it all off, I am the youngest Spanish count in history. Oh Joy. A life filled with muggle politics, running the same false charade my father did. A figurehead at best, like the queen, but with much less importance. Still I dread conversing with those people; they unequivocally hold me in high regard. So pompous and naive, I loathe them. However only due to that fact when I look at them I see my father, that arrogant whelp of a man.” A searing rage engulfed his scar, Felix winced but continued onward. “Nearly thinking of him brings back the pain of what he did to me, his own son. Not to mention my mother, trashing her values and crushing her dreams, only to expose himself as a wizard later on, a dark one at that.” His right hand clenched in uproar. “Memories of that night are ripe within my mind. He had the audacity to try and coerce me into siding with him. I could not merely throw away my moral standards. My refusal displeased the worm.” Wincing at the memory of what he was about to write. “Crucio. That word stings in my mind, without hesitation he threw the curse upon me. The pain was indescribable.” His jaw line locked up tight, he gritted his teeth, almost reliving the moment. “Instantaneously I was on the floor, writhing in pain, my arms felt stretched, shards of ice digging in my flesh, blackness crushing my hopes and faith. All this was metaphorical, I merely felt as if I was being torn limb from limb, consumed by hatred and pain. I wanted to scream out in horrified pain, but I couldn’t muster the strength. I wanted to die, nearly insane with pain, he stopped. Leaving me lying there lifeless, he assumed me to be dead or at least unconscious. That is when I summoned the strength, the courage. I lunged at him, taken him off guard. I clasped my hands around his thick neck; he dropped his wand in shock. Like demonic talons, I did not release my hold. He pleaded for me to reconsider, he tried to be suave. It sickened me, how he could be so cool and collected in a moment like this. It burned the hatred I held within me brighter. I knew I was choking him, but could not stop. He swung at my arms, trying to knock them loose, but I was much stronger. Years of sipping wine, and gallivanting around as count, did not due his body any good.” Felix’s eyes, a gem of peerless black, oversaw his writing with no remorse. “I felt the bones in his neck crush beneath the weight of my hands. I felt the life drain from him. But I could not stop myself there. As if I was consumed by this horrid evil, this beast within me. I began to strike him, pummelling his face with blow after blow. I mutilated him, he was no longer my father, but a barely familiar body.” A deep sigh relapsed again from his mouth. “The ministry kept it hush, sending me for a brief stay at Mungo’s. They were happier to be rid of a Dark wizard, then to really care. I was soon released, and left to cope on my own. A task I am apparently still doing. I cannot even look at myself in the mirror; I am repulsed at the sight of myself. I even lied to the professor I admire most, although I am sure Moody suspected my reason of absence was false or missing facts. I struggle with the monster within me; I know I am not that person. I don’t want to be that person.” Labouring his breath, as he turned the page. Page 2: Biting the lower tip of his lip, Felix summoned the courage to continue writing the next painful memory “Of course, I could tell one person of all this, the one dearest to my heart. Zoe Winters.” His eyes closed in a state of painful remorse. “No trial or heated temptation could waiver my love for her. Alas, by the time I returned she had moved on, I suppose her love wasn’t as strong for me, as mine was for her. However, she was not at all heartless, my tale brang her to tears for me, and she confessed with deep regret that she had broken our promise, and now she is just gone like yesterday is to today. I cannot hate her though, how could one love a monster like me? Great now I am asking this thing questions.” He paused, and shook his head before continuing. “Well while I am at it, how could I bring myself to hate the one person I held on too, the source of my strength, no matter what she had done? The one thing keeping me sane I suppose. It’s the fact that I was able to feel pure love, and the wrenching pain of heartbreak that makes me believe I am not such a monster.” Pausing to rub his forehead, he sighs deep with heartache. “I miss her terribly, even in a crowd of smiling faces I am alone. I would give up everything to see her again. I try and cope with piano, something I have acquired quite the impeccable talent for. However, I feel at peace while playing, it does not compare to the least.” He examined his hands at this moment. “Look at my hands, they feel stained with bloodshed, the kind refusing to be cleansed. I quote the great muggle writer Shakespeare, and his character Lady Macbeth. Out, damn'd spot! out, I say! One; two: why, then, 'tis time to do't. Hell is murky. Fie, my lord, fie, a soldier, and afeard? What need we fear who knows it, when none can call our pow'r to accompt? Yet who would have thought the old man to have had so much blood in him? I am driven to a point of near insanity, I feel soiled and incomplete. But alas, the memory of my beloved Zoe, however that being the only way it can ever be, keeps me momentarily sane. Perhaps one day, there will be a light out there to keep this darkness in me a bay for eternity, but at that thought, I remain a dreamer gazing into the stars like my young self.” With a brief glance out the window and towards the night sky, Felix laid the quill down, softly collapsing the book upon itself, sealing his secrets and his memories, everlasting within. |
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| Author: | DarkRes [ Mon Nov 23, 2009 1:22 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Recollection of a Heavy Heart |
Page 3: The quill began to roll across the page again, controlled by his the swiftness of his hand. Felix's eyes, like coal, piercing in perfect focus. "I will keep this short. It's been a long and trying day. I sought out this famed fortune teller today." He rubbed his forehead, a slight confusion clouding his mind. "The fortune troubles me, I don't quite understand fully the metaphors but It almost feels as if she was correct. She spoke of Fire, birth and destruction. Then proceeded to speak of flight and ascent. The term Phoenix was coined, as if I am to under go some sort of rebirth or baptism through fire. Perhaps in some way it has to do with my past." he paused in thought. "She truly does know how to inspire self reflection, heh. Mind you, it's the next part of the fortune that really bothers me. To ascend you must burn, but not burn alone. Bear them up on your wings, to crush them beneath your feet." he sighed deeply, allowing his hardened chest to collapse as his lungs emptied. He prolonged a blink of his eyes, allowing himself to embrace the moment of thought before continuing onward. "I am not troubled at the fact of me burning, because at the least it means I'll be reborn, but the thought of others being crushed beneath me, as a stepping stone. I despise that thought. As well, who would I lift on my metaphorical wings, and I still ponder what the -burning- will be, its so very open ended." Peering out the window at the moonlight, which cascaded down upon his stone faced features in response, he pondered to himself before writing it down. "Will the burning be a painful experience of bloodshed and torture? or will the burning just mean something new, that will change my whole perspective. Alas, only time will actually tell and no amount of pondering or dreaming can change that. Perhaps the fortune teller could have been completely off base. Wouldn't be the first one that is." He slipped the quill into the ink bottle as a holster, eyes scanning with haste the words he wrote, before snapping the book shut, leaving his to eyes gaze upon that golden phoenix crest. Sighing with a heavy breath, Felix stood from his creaky old chair. His finger interlocking with one another as he stretched and began to walk towards his bed. Hoping for a peaceful nights slumber. |
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| Author: | DarkRes [ Wed Dec 02, 2009 6:49 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Recollection of a Heavy Heart |
Page 4: A soft sigh, as he pivoted on one foot, never losing composure, and walked the other way along the railing. "The main subject tonight, Perfection." The quill made hasty work of his words, documenting it in the book. Letting a quaint smile touch his lips, one of satisfaction towards the charm being a success. "I am not going to boast, because I am far from perfect and I know I'll never achieve total perfection. That would be a silly thought. I just adore the process of attempting perfection in every little thing I do. I suppose it holds me together, like an insatiable lust to be the best I can be." he chuckled into the night air with deliberate amusement. "Oh how maliciously evil I must sound right about now, talking about perfection and being driven by lust. The fact is that those thoughts dwell in us all. We all want to claim what we call perfect. We all lust for something. For most, it's love." He rolled his eyes "I've given up on that nonsense long ago, It's much to taxing to put all your effort and passion into someone else, hoping, nay praying that they won't use your vulnerability against you." He quirked his eyebrow as a thought sparked in his mind "Oh my, don't I sound bitter? Perhaps I am, it's not that I don't believe in love or that relationships can work out harmoniously, it's just unlike any other student I want no more part in it. Perhaps deep within me I do, every now and again I can feel lust towards the female population. Whether it's something in their voice or merely passing by me in the hall." He closed his eyes as if envisioning the girls he mentioned. He continued to walk fearlessly, on his left a three story drop to the earth, on his right about a three foot drop to stone floor. "But what is the point?" his words broke the silence of his thoughts. "Honestly, I am beyond trying to attempt to find true happiness in another, it just doesn't work for me like it used too." smirking devilishly at his next words. "I do however have an otherworldly passion for the romance of it all, the kissing and connection. So perhaps my thoughts now will be proven incorrect later on. But only when I can truly say I am happy with myself, and I some how find a the right muse to inspire the right musical masterpiece within me. Something I thought I had once, but have never found anything close sense." His eyes glanced towards the moon, that sat like a king in the sky, it's rays of reflected light shone on the darkened black of his eyes, only momentarily bringing out the minuscule blue left in them. "This all reminds me of a interesting conversation I had earlier, with the lovely niece of the Spanish governor. She was near perfect in appearance. With emerald eyes, and silky raven hair that just draped along her shoulders, and teased her back ever-so slightly. A picture perfect smile, combined with a curvaceous figure that inspired raw animal lust of any man. It's only natural that I would entertain her want of conversing. She was a terrific flirt, though she became quite frustrated at her failed attempts at seducing me. Mind you, only nearly failing. She asked me, out of the blue and with a pure innocent curiosity, as if she could sense the reason for my hesitation. So who is the one who broke ya?" Felix bit his lip before continuing on "I had the slightest idea on how to answer her, I didn't want to admit it, nor want to lie to her. In the end, I did what I am most notorious for, charmingly changing subjects." He pivoted again, with the opposite foot and tight rope walked towards the center of the railing, releasing a labored sigh. "Such a sly dog I am. I don't mean to be, I'd just rather not answer personal questions. I don't mean to be broken either. It's just the way I am." With that he hopped off the railing onto the stone balcony, snapping his fingers to cancel the charm. |
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| Author: | DarkRes [ Wed Dec 16, 2009 2:29 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Recollection of a Heavy Heart |
Page 5: Eyes of soulless black drowned and consumed the blank white pages. A faint whisper of blue echoed a ripple in turmoil as if innocence, the good of the man was trying to escape the pain. Hands as rigid as his jawline operated the quill. "Desolate solace. At least this way I cannot harm anyone anymore. I am losing it, slowly but surely my heart is burden with hate. It swells in me like the tide. Instead of color, I see shades of black and gray. This torment is tearing me apart, draining the life of me." Felix dove a firm hand into his charcoal locks, gripping at them in fury and disappointment. "I don't want to be like this, I don't want to be a murderer, the devil in disguise. Is this truly who I am? It's so vile, it's turning me insane. I'm sick with self-pity and I hate myself for it. I've become so cold, like ice left in a blizzard. A body without emotions. I belong in Azkaban, not Mungo's." He paused from writing, and rested his tormented eyes on the wall, and began to ruthless smack his skull against the wall. "Get out of my head." the pounding continued. Thud. Thud. Thud. Blood was drawn, however his face remain hard coated and stiff. "Get these thoughts out of my head!" A tender droplet of blood curled down his forehead and dropped on the page, he continued to write once more. "There's nothing left to salvage, No one left to blame. Among the broken mirrors I don't look the same." He wrote with an awe-inspiring calm, as if a defiant protest of contrast to his outburst. His mannerism and words became poetic even. "Dissect me till my blood runs down into the drain. My bitter heart is pumping oil into my veins." Elegantly dipping the quills tip into the dreary black ink, a ghost of a breath escaped. "I'm nothing but a tin man, I don't feel any pain. Come on strip me of my power, beat me with the chains. If I'm the King of cowards, your the Queen of pain." Felix would crack his neck from side to side, a sadistic lack of feeling engulfed the every fiber of his being. The colorful walls looked a dull gray. The air became dry and stuffy. His heart was becoming a prison, in which all happiness was enslaved and suffering extinction. He allowed his self to write one final poetic darkness. "You hung me like a picture, now I'm just a frame. I used to be your lap dog, now i'm just a stray. Shackled in the graveyard, Left here to decay." He softly closed the book, as in a somber remembrance of a fallen love one, he almost appeared mournful. One would expect tears to be streaming at the sight of his facial expression, Instead he silently walked away. As if being sucked dry of everything. |
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